it’s been a while. there have been so many changes and moments overflowing to the next. a short recap couldn’t sum it all up.
at this very moment, i am staring outside of an airplane window. admiring all the treasures of this past year that the good Lord has given me. so many hard times but so so many cherished, joyful memories.
last year i wrote about how i prayed this year would bring peace. i prayed for comfort after a year that seemed changing and exhausting. i look back and smile knowing the Lord hears every cry for help.
this past year i’ve lost many friendships, yet gained a group of true friends that i’ll always have. i’ve moved from my small town to a bigger city near by hoping to grow and find myself. i cried for two straight weeks praying to find a career i genuinely loved.
today i look back and smile. because everything i have lost, God has replaced with something better. if i could tell the girl a year ago who cried every single day unhappy with her life what was in store, i think she would be pretty happy.
i write this not to give some random update, but to maybe encourage those of you out there who think the storm last forever. maybe you are going through a breakup, a friendship ending, or even feeling like you’ve lost yourself and have no way to get back.
my advice is- do the hard thing. and do it for you. life isn’t easy. but do the thing you are most afraid of. because at the end of the day, fear holds us back from so much. so much joy, so much happiness, so much healing.
if you are struggling and feel as though no one understands the pain behind the smile, please know you are not alone. life changes so suddenly. but the joy sometimes is in the pain. because when we are at our lowest, we have a savior who brings us back to our highest.
keep your head up. do the things you are most afraid of, and in a year, you will realize every storm has a purpose. the sun rises again. 💌
“Consider it a great joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you experience various trials, because you know the testing of your faith produces endurance.” James 1:2-3
it’s been a while since i’ve wrote. life has a way of moving by too fast and time seems so quick to go by without realizing.
2022, u were a wild one. it is safe to say that i am so grateful for what occurred during the past year. from graduating high school and starting college. meeting new wonderful friends. learning how to grow and mature in my walk with Christ. 2022 had major triumphs and many trials. i’ve lost friends that i thought i would have forever and learned what it’s like to get away from God and have to pull myself back into His Word and trust His plan, even when life seemed so altering. i was unbalanced more often than not, and lost control more often than i remained at peace.
so many people around this time are writing goals and plans for theirselves for the new year. rather it’s saving money, living a more healthy lifestyle, or even changing themselves all together with the common saying “new year, new me.” this time of year is profound and meaningful to many people.
sometimes it is so easy to look at what all the past year didn’t bring you. for some people, a new year means another year w out a loss loved one or another year reminding one what he or she does not have. yet, it’s all about the mindset. 2022 may have been hard, but your mindset is what determines it as good or bad.
after all the years of challenges and new goals i set for myself. this year, i seem to not have any goals but to “be still.” 2022, for me, contained many goals of what i had to be to attain the things i did or didn’t want, it contained many weeks focused on others instead of God, it prioritized human desires over heavenly desires, and in all, the sense to have my life completely together made me fall apart more often than remain in tact.
so this year, 2023, maybe you are confused on what it will turn out like. if you will get that job, or that person, or even that prayer u pray for every night. but the simplicity in “being still” and knowing our God is a God that works everything together for the good of his people. in my opinion, that expresses feelings of peace like no other.
there is always good and bad in every year. but the one u put your faith and passion into is what u receive out of it. this world is temporary. a pit stop before eternity. focus on HIM and watch pure JOY overflow this year.
2023, may you bring all of the peace, joy, and faith. it seems the stillness is where i feel God most.
sitting here and reflecting on all the memories this year has brought so far. it’s been a hot minute since i’ve wrote, but so much has been on my heart lately that i hate to keep it all bottled up from you all.
this past week has been an eye opener. at least for me. when i look back at this past year, i feel like it’s been a constant roller coaster of changes. nothing has stayed the same.
ya know it’s crazy. change is something that we are all accustomed to, yet shaken and confused when it occurs. it’s like so normal that when it actually happens we all don’t know how to deal with it. which is totally understandable- because everyone likes for their life to stay the same in some ways.
this past week, so many people have reached out to me about how their life has been experiencing very hard, fearful changes. changes that they cannot help.
it’s weird how God works. a month ago i was so confused and shaken in my walk with God & to be honest i was so mad at him. i felt like every time i turned around something good was being replaced with something bad. but one thing is for sure, God doesn’t leave you in the bad.
this week so many people have texted me and said “Why me?” but the truth is- God would not bring you in a storm that he can’t bring you out of. you are far more stronger than you know and are accustomed to.
change this year has grown me and also broken me. but God works all things together for the good. and i’m somehow finally starting to realize it after all this time.
i guess all i’m trying to say is, some people have it harder than others. but every battle you experience is important and one day will shape you into the person you strive to be, if it hasn’t already shaped you into that person.
life is not meant to be easy. it just simply isn’t. no matter how much we wish it was. but it’s the change in perspective of how you get through it.
it’s sad it takes us having nothing left to come to when we decide to trust God and obey him. but maybe that’s why we go through things- to bring us back to the importance of life and struggles. to bring us back to the one who holds our life in His hands.
so if you’re feeling down, know there are probably a million people in this world experiencing it w you. that doesn’t mean your problems are any less important than a stranger on a different continent or a friend down the street. just know that there will be light at your dark tunnel though.
somehow and sometime, the struggles won’t seem so hard and your happiness and peace won’t seem so far. you just have to find trust in God and that he will pull you through. even when it seems impossible to do so.
keep pushing. keep trying. God is working for you- not against you. reach out if you need help. let this season of change grow you and better you into the person you strive to be.
hey y’all. it’s been a while since i’ve wrote and i’ve always been completely transparent w u all and have let u in on my life, so why stop now?
life has been extremely hard lately. my mind has felt like it’s been on the frontline of a battlefield w no where to escape to. my family has been going through a lot. i have been. and i’m sure someone out there has been to.
i have felt extremely lonely and lost. and those are two emotions that can weigh an individual down tremendously. i feel as if there has been SO much change in my life happen SO fast, that there is no possible way to keep up.
anyone who knows me, knows i do not hide my emotions, especially when i feel they can help someone who is struggling also.
sin is inevitable. death is inevitable. yet regardless, those are two very hard topics to deal with. sin poisons are brains into thinking we are nothing that God says we are. death may just so happen take away the ones you love most, causing you to feel pain that you never wished or deserved.
lately, i feel as if i have twisted what God says about me into labels of what i do wrong. this feeling has caused me to view everything i do wrong and it’s caused me to turn away from everything i love most, including God. i’ve formed conclusions and overthought way too much these past few days. i’ve thought that i’m not good enough. and i’ve honestly been angry at the world, considering i’m losing someone very close to me. but when an individual struggles, it’s scientifically proven that the individual will struggle more through stress and anxiety. i’m THAT individual. the one who makes it even worse on their self with no way to prevent it. it’s okay to stress. it’s okay. but don’t let that be all you think about. don’t confuse what God says about you with what the world says about you.
i have put my life in boxes for as long as i can remember. my mind has always contained a million boxes of what i must check off to be enough. to maintain the perfect image. and it is absolutely exhausting and not worth it one bit. but it’s the way my mind is. God says i am enough without the labels. that the only label i have is “His Child.” he gets it. but sometimes, when you put yourself in a box to do better and not mess up, it’s hard to change your thought process.
one thing i’ve learned lately, is the world does not stop. you are having a hard day. you are losing a loved one. you are struggling mentally. and? no matter what day you are having, the world does not care. the hours still go by. the assignments are still do. and life keeps going on. but it’s learning to grow in those moments. it’s what makes us strong.
life has been hitting hard. the voices have been a lot lately. the pain has been overbearing lately. and honestly, i haven’t quite known how to deal with it all. but i know God is giving me these hardships to make me stronger. and he’s the doing the same for you.
maybe, if you are like me, you should start looking outside the boxes. look around. see how much you are wanted and needed to make a difference. God does not see you like you see yourself. he doesn’t see you as a mistake. he sees you as HIS.
so forget the labels, the boxes, your mistakes, the sin, the world. quit focusing on what you aren’t and start focusing on what you are. you may just realize how much you are loved and how strong you actually are. stop focusing on proving to the world what you are and start realizing yourself who you actually are and the good you actually do.
keep ur head up. turn to God. everyone is struggling to some degree. everyone’s battles are different and valued. life is tough but so are you🤍 keep pushing forward.
hey y’all, it’s been a hot minute since I’ve been on here:)))
this weekend, my family traveled to Branson for a family vacation. throughout the weekend, I couldn’t help but view everything and think about all the change the past few years have brought for me.
I’ve shared with you all my story of my struggle with my eating disorder, along with how I recovered from it, in hopes of helping at least one person from going through what I did. however, I wrote my last post on my page in March and I haven’t talked much about it since. I felt as if that chapter closed and there was no need for it to be brought up anymore.
as I still feel that way, I also don’t think it’s right to completely ignore being vulnerable with you all if it can help someone who is struggling.
the holidays are tough. rather it’s the loss of a loved one you wish to have with you this season, the anxiety of all the family in town, or if you once dealt with an eating disorder like me, it’s difficult with all of the holiday foods.
I act like to you all that I’m fully recovered, which is completely true; however, the triggers and struggles during certain times are still present. when you recover, there are still hard days. there are still days all you can think about is the change in your body and the food you are indulging in. this holiday season has been difficult , yet each year I notice growth and acceptance and for that I am thankful.
everyone deals with certain struggles. Maybe you feel like you have lost something this year. maybe you are trying to find new things and new ways to find joy.
I’ll let you in on a little tip: it’s in Christ alone where you feel true joy. it’s in Him alone where you feel free from your struggles, mental illness, etc. find rest in him and let your life be a testimony to the broken-hearted.
just keep pushing forward. this holiday season- choose to view what you have instead of what you are missing. choose to view the growth instead of the hardships.
you are loved. you are cherished. you are not alone🤍🤍🤍🤍i hope everyone has a blessed & grateful holiday season;))))
since I haven’t written in awhile, figured I’d get back to it.
today was one of those days, that reflect every single thing in your life.
for the past summer, I put other’s opinions, feelings, & time over my own. i became so content with being gone and running the roads that being actually at home and having free time felt foreign.
I began to lose who I was. I stared at the mirror and all I could see was brokenness. i hated how I looked and I hated the situations going on in my life. nothing seemed right. i felt I was steadily changing by the world’s opinion. like certain people defined me.. which they do not.
school returned and life began even more busy than it was. but I have began to start living for me. not everyone else. and the joy of that is incomparable. have I lost and let go of certain people to better myself? yes. have I held onto people who push me to do better? yes. is everyday easy? heck no. matter of fact today I’m smiling and a week ago I was bawling my eyes out to my mom saying I couldn’t deal w everything anymore. & that’s exactly what life is. ups and downs.
today, while at the gym. I had a different feeling. not the usual “good” feeling when exercising. i couldn’t help but smile just realizing the growth and happiness that has grown over the past 4 years. I never thought I’d be that girl looking in the mirror.
the stress. breakdowns. many tears. constant doctor appointments. a million nights laying awake until the sun rose again just to wake up and do it again. the girl who never saw the light. the one who prayed every single night to one day feel some sort of peace. happiness. the happiness I once knew of. thinking I was just different and that i would never actually grow into the girl I am today.
then. I never saw that girl in the mirror. I prayed for her. every single day. I just wanted more than anything for her to eventually reappear someday. I just prayed she wasn’t too far gone.
God answers prayers. in our hardest moments, he hears us. I never knew he heard me. I never knew anyone was there when I was crying out for help. But God was.
we base our lives off of our actions. we think we can handle everything alone. but maybe the reason you aren’t growing is your not capable of fighting your battles on your own. but with God you can beat any obstacle.
so give your problems to him. he’s about the only thing that can save us at this point. our world is a mess. We are a mess. But he is still. in the midst of all of the chaos. “He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
I pray for your future self staring in the mirror. I pray you look back and smile like I did today. Cause everyone deserves to feel happy. Not because of a relationship, a certain weight on the scale, compliments from others…. Just genuinely happy within yourself.
let go of what’s holding you back from all of that. and grow into the person you pray for every night.
hey there. you’re fighting so hard right now. the truth is, you mask it on like you are finally back to normal-but you aren’t. you still deal with the triggers. the struggles that cause you to question your own worth. the doubts that you are even a good person. they are all there.
you wake up everyday and automatically point out something you dislike with your body. you first check your phone and look at your bestfriend’s list on Snapchat. then realizing that one person is not on there, you automatically blame yourself for not being what he wanted. questioning your worth and asking why.
you go through the day talking negatively to yourself. causing more and more comparison that is crushing every bit of confidence you have. you are pushing and fighting. but every off guard double chin picture and bloated stomach makes you want to just scream. makes you want to starve yourself. but then you realize you can’t and you feel as a failure because you used to have more self control.
you’re fighting. and the truth is. that’s what life is. everyone is dealt with horrible things. some better than others. but it’s not a matter of who is rewarded more or who looks the best while doing this thing called life. it’s the fact that you still wake up every morning and choose to fight even if that means you might get knocked down consistently.
I’ll be honest. you have been trying to find the attention and happiness you need to find in yourself in different people. relationships, friendships, etc. They fail and that causes you to feel that you are a sense of a failure. but we are human. we are imperfect and that’s perfectly okay. you have been fighting so hard to please everyone weekly and be everywhere for everyone, when in reality you just want to be at home with your family. you have fallen into the worldly things to please others, when in reality you just wanna find pleasure and joy within yourself.
truth is. you want to succeed so much. you want to be happy. be confident with yourself. and feel yourself again so much that you are pushing away the opportunities to get you there.
so dear self, this is my apology letter. I’m sorry for not being understanding. for not being thankful. for not being perfectly fine with being imperfect… cause that is what makes you HUMAN. I’m sorry I try and change every flaw. cause the flaws are what make us different and beautiful. I promise I will keep pushing and fighting. I promise I will never give up.
pure beauty. it still remains. the 6:15 sunrise with the waves crashing against the shore.
this island has been put through the worst hurricane to ever make landfall. it’s broken. but the beauty is still here.
it reminds me often of us humans. we are broken. this world is a mess. but your opinion on the world is how you view it. your opinion of yourself is only how you choose to view yourself.
we are all wrecks. we are all waiting to be built back up after being torn down.
but there is still beauty. you still contain beauty.
I’ll be honest when I say life now days is absolutely wonderful but it’s been difficult.
you’ve heard the story. you know I’m “recovered.” all of you have been let inside on this rollercoaster life of mine these past few years. but I’ve been completely vulnerable w u all this whole time and I will not stop now.
life hasn’t been easy here lately. there have been changes. family changes. friend changes. and even changes within myself. and I ain’t gonna lie. I absolutely hate change.
when you recover from an eating disorder, they never go beyond the fact of recovery. they kinda just stop once you are at a certain “healthy” weight. and to be honest, I never knew that until I actually had to play the role of being the recovered girl.
I’ll be honest. I got so used to the way I was that I just never expected change to occur. thank God it did, but it doesn’t mean I was prepared for it either. the days are still hard. and I find it more difficult to talk about now that I am recovered. as if I shouldn’t be still dealing w it all. as if I should be perfectly fine. I’m ashamed to say it but it’s true.
I believe each of us has a purpose. but the curveballs in life shouldn’t alter our vision of our purpose. those curveballs shouldn’t alter our confidence we need to reach our purpose.
I also believe God doesn’t give his hard battles to weak soldiers. He never will give you something you cannot handle.
I am trying to learn how to live normally, without all the baggage these past years have come with. like truly LIVE. And it’s the most rewarding yet most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with. I don’t know how to let go. I guess it is something you learn along the way.
but the truth is. people change. life will change. YOU WILL CHANGE.
and it’s completely okay….
I guess what I am trying to get at is if you are in a season of questioning “Why God?” it’s okay. If you are in a season of complete joy. it’s okay.
never compare your story with another’s. comparison will kill you. and ur meant to be different. if we were all the same, life would get pretty boring;)
so when your down. and you cannot figure out how you will get out of the long dark tunnel.
know this. you’re worth it to keep fighting. you’re stronger than the voices in your head telling you to give up.
sometimes the smallest changes bring you the biggest blessings.
growing up, as most of you know, I was the full of life kid. never a dull moment. always happy. but I always stressed far more beyond my years. I always worried ab grades, what other people thought, etc.
in January of 2017, I started a resolution that changed my life forever for the better & worse. I made myself get up everyday and do a mile. let me remind you, I had wisdom teeth removed, strep, many late nights, salmonella, etc. during this year. it became an obsession. the control I had over my body & it’s health.
in January of 2018, I continued my resolution. however towards the end of 2017, I started incorporating healthy food & calorie deficit meals. I searched on social media ways to look good. I idolized famous people’s bodies. I did it all. I was addicted and no one could make me do any otherwise. believe me, my parents tried to get me to stop. it just was a mind game. I mentally could not.
I cut back majorly on foods. I watched and counted every calorie that went into my mouth. I did it all. and I was completely miserable in my own skin.
In may of 2018, I weighed 84 lbs. for a 5’6, 15 year old girl, that was not okay. at all. I weighed myself constantly. it was more of a mind battle that I had to fit in to be enough. that I had to be like the “idols” to be enough. it was an inner desire of control that made me so mentally ill. My family caught on long before but just like any parent, they tried so hard to help. But when someone doesn’t want help, they don’t accept and get it.
I went to the doctor in May, and of course, we got the answer that was always a burden in the room- “you’re daughter is diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa- an eating disorder.” We all knew it. But the fact that even the doctors could classify it scared me. But not in the way you would think. I had trained my mind for years to only think two things: workout & eat less. I know. Social media is not always true. I didn’t want to give that up. It was my life. But something had to change. I remember my family giving me the worst talk I’ve ever received on my couch one evening. That I needed to either try and fight it or I would have to move to Dallas, TX for 6 weeks and live in a facility where they would pump me with fluids through a tube. I told them I would not go. I would try for them. no matter how hard it was.
My family made me go to a therapist. and as much as I was against it, she changed my life. On my first visit, that was the first smile I had shown my parents in 6 months. I felt like me in some odd way. I felt like I actually was worth saving. I also attended a nutritionist, but of course I didn’t enjoy this visit as much because she made me change my old habits. But oh how thankful I am for them both now.
Since then. I still attend a therapist. Not much for eating and working out but mostly for my anxiety… and I’ll be honest. I love her so much, I don’t quite wanna give up seeing her just yet ahahha!! she’s one of my best friends and biggest role models.
there have been endless moments of breakdowns. my family walking in bawling over how much I looked like a skeleton. screaming sessions over literally a slice of pizza. it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. there have been days I feel like me again and there have been days I feel like I’m living in a stranger’s skin.
but I’ve fought. too hard. I’ve shared my story with all of you. I’ve let y’all in on a very hard, but vulnerable obstacle this life has thrown at me. not for sympathy, but for understanding and hopefully help to some of you who struggle also.
so I just want to say thank you. to every single person out there who supported me. the truth is. I never believed I would be “me” again. I just believed that the 2018 girl was gonna have to stick. but I’m telling you this right now. Don’t settle for less. Not with relationships and definitely not with yourself.
random people asks me all the time… “do you wish you could change all of it and never go through it?” And my answer still remains the same on good and bad days. No. because the people I have helped and the way I have found my happiness and myself has given me the strongest hope in God, biggest reward out of life, and even far more beyond that.
I know these days can be so hard. but there is ALWAYS light at the end of a dark tunnel.
I’m thankful to say that these struggles have been a lot less difficult now days and I am no longer a statistic on the eating disorder chart. I am beyond thankful for this growth & happiness I’m finally experiencing.
I understand many struggle, but please take my story as a way to keep fighting. to try to keep finding the best version of yourself- the happier version. I understand you feel alone at times. but I hope my story has made you feel like you aren’t struggling by yourself.
just please keep the Faith. share your story. and help another human like you.
kenzi’s blog 